Grief is potentially a transformational process
There can surely be no doubt that, as a species, we humans are facing devastating problems which threaten all life on Earth, and which we are blatantly failing to solve at a political level. We each find our own ways of living with this deathly knowledge – some choose not to watch any mainstream media news; some numb out with alcohol, drugs or food; some choose denial; others go into over-drive; some rely on spiritual beliefs to make it all o.k.
I’ve used all of these strategies at times, haven’t you? It’s normal. Because to really face into the possible extinction of our species, or the long-term effects on the planet of our consumer and lifestyle choices, and the depths of degradation and cruelty we humans can sink to, and then to keep choosing life, takes enormous courage.
Throughout my adult life, the ways I’ve found to make sense of being human and to find the motivation to get up every morning and to keep going, have been: my love of lifelong, whole person learning; my spiritual path and belief in the soul journey; and a passionate desire to contribute to the good of humanity through my creativity. Above all, what comforts and inspires me, is knowing that I am part of a global movement of millions of people who are choosing conscious evolution, personal transformation and wholeness.
I wonder what your motivational foundations are?
And what happens when these motivational foundations are stripped away?
This was what happened to me, last year, after my brother’s death. Every death and every grieving process is different and unique. Maybe it was because my brother was my last surviving family member; maybe because my closest friend, Woods, had died six months earlier; or perhaps I was just up for a big transformation. Whatever the cause, my grieving process stripped me, for a few months, of everything that had given my life meaning and kept me alive and ticking.
“ When death comes suddenly and unexpectedly, you may feel that a hard spoon has cracked down on the eggshell that bound your life together. Like Humpty Dumpty, you can’t imagine how you’ll ever be put back together again. Everything feels out of whack. You’re dazed and confused and you can’t see any future. Your life, which only moments before, had a direction and purpose, now lies in fragments at your feet. You have no idea who you are, why this is happening, or what to do next. There is only this terrible sense of jangling loss and startled disbelief.” – From my e-book, Sitting with Death and Choosing Life.
It’s really hard to suddenly feel so stripped of power, identity and meaning, especially for those of us who are used to being there for others as carers, healers, parents or teachers. We’ve all been well trained in our culture to hold it all together. To keep our intense emotions to ourselves. To “grin and bear it”.
This really raw state lasted in me for about three months, during which time I was incapable of doing much beyond lying on the sofa watching tv. And the grieving process has gone on since then through several more phases. When you’re grieving it takes as long as it takes and it is not predictable. But as challenging as it is, grief is potentially a transformational process. Being stripped to the bone, rendered raw and vulnerable and exposed, is an opportunity for the letting go of the old, and moving towards a new, more authentic knowing and integration of the self.
Transformation is a creative act and death can be a great awakener. But in order for this to be so, we need to engage intentionally with the process of life and death, as it is showing up now. When we consciously choose to become more awake and aware, we act and experiment in ways that bring something new and evolved into being, whether that is a new version of the self, or a new version of the culture.
Learning to sit with death, to surrender to the inevitable passing away of old forms, is essential – whether that’s the death of a loved one, letting go of illusions about ourselves and what it means to be human, or habitual limiting thoughts. And not only is it challenging and essential but we are all being given so many opportunities now to make this choice.
My Sitting with Death and Choosing Life programme is one phoenix that has arisen out of the ashes of my own grieving. I am offering stimulus materials in the form of e-books and recorded conversations, community forums or exploration and conversation, and simple daily practices, you can use to transform grief and loss into a new life. I am really excited to be taking this vital conversation about death, dying, grief, loss and transformation, out into the community.
