One of the many things I’m loving about blogging every day is, it’s making it even more obvious to me that life is communicating meaning to us every day. If I really pay attention – and writing is one very good way of paying attention – I can see, touch, feel, hear, the threads of my personal soul weaving and the collective soul weaving, being revealed.
And meaning is so important – when meaning is present I am motivated, curious, fascinated, energised, engaged, and yet have the ability to not take life too personally. When I can’t perceive the meaning in any arising life situation I tend to feel overwhelmed, confused, futile, maybe even somewhat a victim of circumstances. Meaning empowers and loss of meaning disempowers.
So whenever I am faced with a difficult life situation I am always feeling for the meaning – what is this revealing to me about where I need to let go or how I can shift my perspective or where I need to recommit? And then, what is this telling me about the bigger picture? How is my life experience a microcosm of the story of what it means to be human? And what it means to be a conscious human with choice?
Let me give you an example. For the last few months I have been staying with my brother in England – my one remaining family member. I came here to help him through his transition after his partner died last year. He wants to sell his house on the outskirts of London and buy land in Wales to build an eco-home. This is a dream that gives his life meaning. When I arrived he was depressed, unmotivated and drowning in all the clutter that filled every room in his house. Now, he has found his land, had an offer accepted and his house is almost ready to put on the market. Mission accomplished!
In the course of fulfilling this mission I have been faced with the old family dynamics that formed me and patterned the software of my unconscious mind. I’ve been living in a contracted space and having a three month immersion in all the parts of myself and humanity I didn’t want to see. Ten years ago I had a very similar experience with my father when I went to take care of him following my mother’s death. On both occasions I’ve had to let go of any exalted ideas of myself as a spiritual person who is always nice and kind and loving. I’ve been confronted every day, first with my own judgments, irritation and impatience – an unattractive reflection – and then with the experience I grew up with as a child of feeling essentially uncared for, feeling unseen and shut down, the feeling that no one in my family had time for me or was interested in me or expressed any curiosity or gave me space to express who I truly am. And whilst, experiencing this all over again, in a part of the world where there is no community, no outer sense of holding, I’ve had to find a place to stand as a mature and conscious woman.
It’s been a challenge. As a spiritual practice I aspire to be Love-in-action, to love whatever arises, to accept everything life brings into the conversation with acceptance, love and equanimity. To embrace it all in my heart’s arms and welcome it home. Knowing that any unattractive, harsh and judgemental aspects of my own behaviour are a reflection of humanity at large and if I want to live in a more beautiful world it has to start with me and with self acceptance and self compassion. I can only love humanity by loving myself; I can only grow compassionate by truly embracing all those shadow aspects of myself; I can only heal the world by healing myself.
Life gives us exactly what our soul’s call out for. The aspiration – to be always part of the solution rather than part of the problem – to delete karma rather than creating more – this is very worthy and a great focus when the compost hits the fan – something to hold onto. But aah, the humility required when I rub up against those knotty places and those pesky little demons, that have been in hiding for decades, crawl out of the woodwork, waving their battle axes and screaming. That’s a stretch.
We live in a human world with so many layers and stages of consciousness side by side and intertwined within and between us. Those of us who are feeling our way step by step through the process of deconstructing the old culture that lives still inside ourselves, sometimes forget – I certainly do – just how vast the project of redeeming and transforming human consciousness is. It can be very daunting to face this reality, to really see it. To keep holding the vision for a whole new world in one hand and my own human limitations in the other, along with an unflinching gaze into the darker side of humanity, and to hold the creative tension between these two poles – that’s a big ask.
I think it’s time for me to give up being a spiritual perfectionist and to become a spiritual realist. I have no idea what that means yet but it’s part of the conversation and inquiry I’m having with life every day.
October 1st, 2015
