For many of us, our lives have become a conscious soul journey which we are coming to know and understand as we live it. We are in a lengthy process of transformation that requires successive shedding of our outgrown skins so the new can emerge through us. This process demands everything; it cannot be engaged half-heartedly.
It is a natural, organic process with its own DNA and innate patterning, like the trees dropping their leaves in autumn and budding again in spring. Only we humans have emotions and attachments, doubts and fears and we need to keep a roof over our heads, so when the time for letting go arrives and the dark night of the soul comes on, we judge ourselves and suffer.
Maybe we don’t need to suffer so much, or maybe it’s our suffering that sculpts us into more humane, compassionate, humble people – authentic human beings. I believe both are true – suffering is part of the process that strengthens. But prolonged suffering is detrimental and can be avoided when we have a map of the territory we’re traversing. My soul work has been to study this process so I can master the skills to move through it more gracefully and empower others to do so too. The territory is always changing and yet there are common landmarks.
Yesterday, I described how I created and developed my first business, Team Work. Towards the end of that time I became deeply disillusioned with all aspects of my life and this eventually resulted in me giving away my business and leaving my professional community, my home, most of my possessions, my lover, the city I loved, my homeland – nearly everything that had given my life meaning, focus and shape.
There were two vehicles which carried me through what would otherwise have been a devastating pile of losses. One was writing – this time I was embarking on my first full length book. And the other was a powerful meditation practice I had been introduced to which had an immediate deep impact on my life. Both the writing and the spiritual practice were calling me home. I was depleted and needed a deep, regenerative dive into the inner world. I had been out there on the front line chipping away at the face of the patriarchy and holding space for others to heal themselves, and all I could see was the desolate face of the world.
For several years I had nurtured a dream of passing a year in the elemental beauty of the North West Highlands of Scotland, cycling with the seasons and writing. Now was the time. Once again, I approached this move with the insouciance of the Fool stepping off the edge of the cliff. I didn’t stop to consider whether I could “afford it”, I simply followed an inner necessity.
This is how I described it in my book, “Migration to the Heartland”:
Of course it wasn’t always Paradise. Winters in North West Scotland are long and dark, with night falling as early as three in the afternoon. There was no escaping myself and few distractions from the grief, fear and despair that had been waiting in the shadows for their time. Once the excitement of making my escape was over I was shocked by what I’d done. I had said no to the life I had created and given up my home, my little piece of security.
I already had many leavings and new beginnings under my belt. There was the time I left a marriage and discovered the bliss of solitude, poetry rushing like a torrent through my blood; the time I first said no to a regular paycheque and the illusion of security and became a freelance educator pursuing my calling wherever it led me. I had walked through gateways in search of myself, each one seeming to offer a greater freedom and exacting a higher price. Now, like a Fool I’d stepped off the edge of the cliff again and taken apart my familiar yet unsatisfying life.
I shivered on a precarious edge, staring into the dark for an answer. I had dared to say no to the Mistaken Time. I’d taken a leap of faith into the void. Now the void was all around me and it did not feel friendly. I wasn’t bold and lucky now, nor strong enough to claim my power and freedom. I cowered and looked for a place to hide….
…How had I come to be shivering here on this cold edge? What exactly had I said no to? All I knew was I didn’t fit and didn’t want to fit. My own essential values were in conflict with the values I saw all around me. There was something terribly wrong in the world, and my own personal unhappiness seemed to be inextricably tied up with the world’s suffering. The work I was doing wasn’t enough. I knew I had to be true to myself whatever it cost me. I was being called to something, and whatever it was I had to obey. I was terrified of stepping outside the comfort of mass illusion alone. A voice in my head cried out, “Why me?”….
…. All I could do now was surrender and let the part of me that needed to die fall away. Then the new me who was waiting to be born would emerge. I figured maybe there were others out there like me. Maybe I could go and find them.
In order to support me to make the move my soul required she was pulling me into a place of stillness, into the Ground of Being. This essential resting place within us all, can seem so empty we may mistakenly call our presence here, depression. And a lengthy visit to the Ground of Being can certainly lead to loss in the outer world. Then, as I am now, as I was drawn inwards, and the further in I ventured the more I felt my truth and allegiances changing. Projects I had been passionate about, relationships I thought I could rely on, much of what I had taken to be real and true, began to disintegrate before my eyes and what I had taken to be solid ground became shifting sands beneath my feet. At times the world seemed nothing more than an hallucination, a mirage, and I had no idea how to go on acting my part in it.
Of course I questioned my sanity, my commitment, my consistency and abilities. And there were plenty of others who joined me in thinking I had “lost the plot”. I began to question fundamental realities – which of course, on the spiritual path is power to the cause – but in terms of staying afloat in the world of work, money, time and relationship, it was all very tricky.
I know now I am not alone in this journey; what I am describing is the necessary dis-illusionment and dis-integration that precedes the next level of growth and integration. But back then I had no understanding of the process I was in and nor did anyone else. I felt very alone. I had only my authentic self, my creative passion and my intuition, to guide me.
To be continued….
